NFL Top 10 Mock Draft v 1.0
Or Ron Rivera could just forfeit this pick and sign free agent RB Tim Biakabutuka, who my sources tell me is not currently on an NFL roster.
While Patrick Peterson might be a shutdown corner, experts say the Virgin Mary is tougher than Butkus and faster than Lawrence Taylor. On the other hand, there's always the possibility of the rapture, and then the organization would be without their last two first round draft picks, as her and Tebow are "saved". Also, she showed up to the combine overweight *red flag*
Chan Gailey did once use a 1st round draft pick on a guy named Ebenezer...so if he goes that route again, they could potentially save some money before their inevitable move to Toronto or Los Angeles.
I mean, this guy is the owner. There had to be a mix-up at the hospital when he was born. I refuse to believe Mike Brown carries Paul Brown's genes in his shoddy, sunken body. His jeans, however...I'll accept.
Mock...yeah...ing...yeah...Amukamara....?....
While the number one name in the world...not a number one receiver in the NFL. CFL maybe!
Unbeknownst to 49ers fans, these guys are now running the team after serenading the DeBartolo family with some hip tunes
If only the Titans could draft this guy again...
They can actually pay you now, son!
Cleveland’s Best Week Ever: A Somewhat Pathetic Retrospect
When, in the course of human events, it becomes necessary to pick yourself up after one person dissolves its bands and takes his talents to South Beach, improbable events occur.
On Tuesday, October 26, the new-look Miami Heat took the floor for the first time with LeBron James and Chris Bosh, in Boston against the defending Eastern Conference Champion Celtics, and…
They disappointed. The team that has dominated the headlines this off-season, with some pundits boldly predicting 70+ wins and overwhelming dominance of their competition, came out flailing. They looked like a team that didn’t work throughout the summer, didn’t learn how to play with each other or improve their own games dramatically, distracted by the inevitable media circus their power alliance warranted. And they lost, 88-80, to the experienced well-oiled machine that is this current incarnation of the Celtics, a team that embodies getting the most out of their guys and playing within a finely-tuned system.
Well-oiled, and healthy. KG is pleased. Eric Spoelstra and Stan Van Gundy, not so much.
One night later, the Cleveland Cavaliers debuted against those same Celtics, with the remains of the group of supporting players assembled to keep LeBron in Cleveland now in starring roles, and performed admirably. For two and a half quarters, they matched wills with the Celtics, until Boston opened the third quarter on a 19-9 run, running the lead to 11 points and leaving Cleveland fans with an all-too-familiar sense of dread.
Kind of like anytime anybody mentions Blowzeh Sayvah. May God have mercy on your soul, Blowzeh.
But Cleveland marched back, closing the lead to five points heading into the final period. Then they managed to play 12 minutes of inspired basketball making a series of clutch plays, taking the lead early in the period, followed by a few minutes where the lead wasn’t safe for either team culminating in a Ramon Sessions steal and a Cleveland timeout up 86-84 with a little over three minutes remaining. Anthony Parker made the biggest three of his Cleveland career out of the timeout, followed by a series of botched possessions and, because Boston couldn’t make an offensive basket, a series of Cleveland free throws, which the Cavs went 6-6 on in the final minute. Cleveland 95-Boston 87.
At least until LeBron and friends face Cleveland (December 4), this will be the highlight of the Cavaliers season, a somewhat depressing fact of life in the NBA. But who knows? With the Eastern Conference only having Miami, Orlando, Boston, Atlanta and possibly Milwaukee as serious playoff-caliber teams, if Cleveland can continue to play inspired, scorned eff-you basketball until April, they may be good enough for a 6, 7, or 8 seed in the East, and possibly earn a best-of-seven against Mr. James and friends.
Mr. James and friends, slightly more athletic, and debaucherous, than Barney and Friends. Also, less colorful.
How to properly assess the Browns’ victory over the Saints
These are tumultuous times. After you’ve been scorned so many times, the conditioning takes its toll and even the most hopeful turn callous. Such is life as a Cleveland sports fan.
This is Ivan Pavlov. This is Cleveland. We are the dumbass dogs that keep responding to his bell.
So when the Browns led 20-3 at halftime in ‘Nawlins this past Sunday, home of the defending Super Bowl Champion Saints, it was the usual hope for the best, expect the worst mindset. Then, the best happened. Cleveland 30, New Orleans 17.
No championships were won on Sunday, and the sobering reality of a 2-5 record is still pretty harsh, but for 60 full minutes the Browns led, and defeated, Drew Brees and the mighty defending champions. It may be that the Saints had double the yards and first downs of the Browns. It may be that the Browns offense was more or less anemic, converting only 2 out of 11 third down attempts. It may be that Colt McCoy threw for just 74 yards on 16 passes, but none were to the other team.
They played with heart and vigor, which is more than I can say for a significant amount of Browns teams in recent years. The thing is, it’s not that they played with that kind of passion and determination in one game against a quality opponent, it’s that they have been playing that way consistently. When the 2010 Cleveland Browns show up to play you on Sunday, you better be ready to play, or you will lose.
Rob Ryan, Browns Defensive Coordinator, makes the team 34% more gargoyle. Fact.
At 2-5 and with a rookie quarterback, contention for the postseason is at least a year away and the Browns will most likely finish no higher than third in the AFC North, but if they keep growing and playing tough, they have an opportunity to be a high-quality NFL team. If they continue to evolve, a 3rd or 4th place schedule in 2011 could result in a serious opportunity at a playoff spot.
There’s always next year, right?
...unless you're John Fox. Then you're screwed. It could be worse, Jimmy Clausen could be our QB of the future.
You’re Welcome, Cincinnati: How to Salvage the Bengals
A message to the Cincinnati Bengals:
Your record currently stands at 2-3, third in the AFC North, two full games out of first place. You looked hapless against the Patriots in week one, showed resiliency in a home victory over the Baltimore Ravens in week two, defeated the punch-less Carolina Panthers in week three, then squandered the next two games away in Cleveland and Tampa Bay, leaving the team mired in inconsistency heading into its bye week.
You just spent the last week resting and preparing for a battle you cannot win. Your remaining 11 games are brutal. You will need at least an 8-3 record to finish 10-6, a mark that might be good enough for a playoff spot in the rabid AFC. If you do not, the current incarnation of the Cincinnati Bengals will fail.
The Queen City fan-base will sour, and the cruel Ohio winter will set in, and the harsh reality of NFL scheduling will reign supreme as you head into an unstable 2011 and beyond. There is one reason, above all, why the franchise will continue to be stuck in mediocrity this year and the future, and it is the atrophy of Carson Palmer’s ability to consistently throw an NFL-quality pass. After eight long years of the Carson Palmer era, the time has come for your organization to find somebody else to throw the football and run the Cincinnati Bengals’ offense.
After you stick the fork in the cadaver of Carson Palmer's career, wash it off and use it in your cereal. For your health!
Evaluating Carson Palmer’s NFL Career
In April 2003, you had the first overall selection in the NFL draft, and selected Heisman Trophy-winning quarterback Carson Palmer out of USC. Palmer was a risk, as is any top-drafted quarterback, but a risk you were willing to make. Prospect Carson Palmer had “great mechanics, good feet, size, arm and accuracy”, but also that he was an “erratic, hot-and-cold player” according to ESPN. Scouts praised Palmer’s improvement and many believed he had put it all together his senior season at USC and was a fantastic NFL prospect.
A Pac-10 quarterback who's stock rose dramatically after his senior season. Akili Smith or Carson Palmer? Trick question. Time will tell whether Palmer ends up playing for the Calgary Stampeders.
You took a cautious approach with your prized franchise quarterback, sitting him behind veteran Jon Kitna as the 2003 campaign unfolded. The team significantly improved, from 2-14 to 8-8, and was gearing up for the future.
Palmer took the reins in 2004, starting opening day. His progress was right on schedule, and he started 13 games, throwing for almost 3000 yards, 18 touchdowns and 18 interceptions en route to another 8-8 season.
The 2005 season started very strong, with the offense elite and wins in their first four games. You went 3-3 over the next six games, before picking up steam and winning four out of the last five en route to an 11-5 record and the AFC North Championship. Carson Palmer started all 16 games, threw for 32 touchdowns and completed 67.8% of his passes, both career highs, while only throwing 12 interceptions.
On January 8, 2006, Paul Brown Stadium played host to your first playoff game in almost two decades, against the Pittsburgh Steelers. The city was electric, to say the least. On the second play from scrimmage, Carson Palmer loaded up and threw a 66 yard completion to Chris Henry, sending the home crown into hysteria. Then Kimo Von Oelhoffen happened. In one hit, Carson Palmer’s ACL and MCL tore, and the promising 2005 season effectively ended. The Steelers would go on to win the game, and eventually Super Bowl XL.
I've said it before, and I'll say it again, Go Fuck yourself Pittsburgh.
The rehabiliation of Carson Palmer’s knee was THE subject of the 2006 Cincinnati Bengals, but Palmer was able to return in time for the September 10, 2006 opening game. The team started quick, winning the first two games easily, leading up to a week three shot at redemption in Pittsburgh. Palmer led the team to a 28-20 victory in Heinz Field, a sign that he was back and better than ever. The offense would remain explosive throughout most of the season as the team ascended to 8-5 with three weeks remaining. Then a series of miscues, especially on special teams, derailed the season, costing you the final three games of the season as you finished 8-8 for the third time in 4 years. Palmer finished with over four thousand yards passing for the first time in his career, as well as 28 touchdowns and completed 62.3% of passes while only throwing 13 interceptions.
Too bad water training didn't teach Palmer how to long-snap or kick field goals.
2007 came, and the team lost some of its luster, starting a lowly 3-7, perhaps distracted by a bevy of off-the-field issues affecting the entire organization. Palmer was still a high-quality quarterback, and led the Bengals to victories in four of your last six games to finish 7-9. He threw 26 touchdowns, but his interceptions reached a career-high 20 for the season. He completed 64.9% of his throws and accrued his second-straight four thousand yard year, but couldn’t get the Bengals over the hump and back into the playoffs.
This pretty much sums up the 2007 Bengals
The 2008 season never got off the starting blocks, as the Bengals only managed one offensive touchdown in their first two games, both losses. You would then rally in week three, but ultimately fall, losing to the New York Giants in overtime 26-23. Carson Palmer missed the next game nursing a sore elbow, and your offensive woes would continue, losing 20-12 to the Cleveland Browns. Carson Palmer would return for the next game in Dallas, only to be sent packing with their fifth straight loss. Palmer was shut down the rest of the season as you limped to 0-8 and 1-11-1 starts, before finishing the year 4-11-1.
Everybody dey in 2008. Who ties in the NFL, Cincinnati, seriously?
In 2009, you became identified as a run-first, hard-nosed team built to win in the brutal AFC North. And win you did, sweeping the six divisional games and winning the division crown for the second time in almost twenty years. But along the way, something happened to Carson Palmer. He still ran the offense well, managing the game admirably and making just enough plays to remain effective. But the new, atrophied Carson Palmer couldn’t do virtually anything in the wild card playoff game against the New York Jets, and your season ended without a playoff victory once again. He didn’t finish with terrible numbers for the 2009 season, with 21 touchdowns, 13 interceptions and a 60.5 completion rate. He did, however, turn sour in the playoff game, completing only 18 out of 36 passes for 146 yards, one touchdown and one interception.
While the New Orleans Saints have Super Bowl rings, the NFL found it only fair to commemorate the shit Carson Palmer took on the field against the Jets in the playoffs with this gold earring.
In the offseason you added future hall-of-famer and reality star Terrell Owens to play wide receiver opposite Chad Ochocinco, creating a self-proclaimed “Batman & Robin” duo, as well as using a first round pick on tight end Jermaine Gresham and third round selection on wide receiver Jordan Shipley to bolster the passing game and give Carson Palmer an opportunity to return to his 2005-06 all-pro form. For naught. In five games this year, Palmer’s completion percentage has dipped below 60% for the first time in his career, and he is no longer the effective on-field general he once was, tossing a game-clinching interception against Cleveland and then turning around and handing the Buccaneers two fourth-quarter interceptions, and ultimately, the game. Unfortunately, Cincinnati, Carson Palmer can no longer perform the duties necessary to lead an NFL team deep into the playoffs, and therefore measures must be taken to find a suitable replacement.
At least these guys can catch balls thrown at them.
Finding a replacement
So, now you’re wondering, where should I turn to find a suitable signal-caller? Well, let’s check the current roster. Carson Palmer’s backup is his own flesh-and-blood, little brother Jordan Palmer. In three NFL seasons, Jordan Palmer has appeared in three games, with 12 attempts, 7 completions, and 2 interceptions. While it may seem prudent to give him a starting opportunity, he has shown little to nothing that would suggest he has superior ability to his brother, trading a spade for an inferior spade.
Dan LeFevour, a 2010 6th round draft pick, may actually have a chance at NFL success. In four years at Central Michigan, LeFevour amassed more total touchdowns than any player in NCAA history. At 6’3”, 230, LeFevour has NFL size, and great accuracy, completing two-thirds of his collegiate passes. He is also a terrific dual-threat, having gained over 2500 rushing yards in college. His arm strength is somewhat questionable, as well as his ability to perform under center, having worked primarily out of the shotgun in college. If he improves, he may have what it takes to lead an NFL franchise.
Atlanta, Miami, Pittsburgh x2, Indianapolis, New Orleans, NY Jets, Cleveland, San Diego, Baltimore. Read it again. You will be lucky to win five of those games, which would give you a 7-9 record in 2010, pretty optimistic given what you have put on the field so far in 2010. Over the last four seasons a 7-9 record has earned an average draft position of 11.8. So, given the difficulty of your schedule (a draft position tie-breaker), let’s hypothetically say you have the 11th pick in next April’s draft.
As of right now, Buffalo, Cleveland, Jacksonville, Oakland, Minnesota, San Francisco, Seattle, and Arizona may be looking for franchise quarterbacks come next season.
Buffalo will very likely be picking in the top 5, and will grab the best quarterback available.
I believe in Mike Holmgren, and therefore Colt McCoy, so it seems highly unlikely the Browns take a quarterback in the first round, especially when so many holes remain elsewhere in Cleveland.
Jacksonville will have their eyes set on the future at the quarterback position, and may take the franchise’s second first round signal caller.
New England owns Oakland’s first round draft pick via the Richard Seymour trade, and therefore will be out of the quarterback market.
More evidence that Al Davis has been dead since 2004
Minnesota may be looking to replace Brett Favre, but are built to win now, and they will probably look for a new quarterback in places other than the first round of the draft.
If Mike Singletary survives as head coach in San Francisco, it would behoove them to stand behind Alex Smith, who looks like a legitimate NFL quarterback and has the confidence of the coaching staff despite the team’s struggles this season.
Seattle traded a first day draft pick for Charlie Whitehurst, whom the Pete Carroll regime has faith in to develop for the future, and therefore will not use such a high draft pick on a field general.
Arizona is currently testing Max Hall’s strength, and if he is passable, they should win the dreadful NFC West and earn a draft selection after you.
In summary, you really only have to worry about Buffalo, Jacksonville, and potentially Minnesota taking quarterbacks before you, and given all three of those franchises’ draft inconsistency and unpredictability, one is bound to look elsewhere, even if they pick ahead of you.
It just so happens that there are three top quarterback prospects potentially available: Andrew Luck, Stanford; Jake Locker, Washington; Ryan Mallett, Arkansas. They are the highest ranked group of quarterback prospects since 2004, when Eli Manning, Philip Rivers, and Ben Roethlisberger all were selected in the first 11 picks. Six years later, they have three Super Bowl rings and a combined starting record of 163-87.
Also, 2 sexual misconduct allegations and 1 motorcycle crash while not wearing a helmet.
There is no guarantee that all three will be as successful as the 2004 class, but you will have the assets and position to get a potential franchise quarterback if you do not believe in Dan LeFevour’s potential. If you do take a quarterback next April, what will you do with him? Don’t worry, I have a plan.
The Plan
When the quarterback of the future is on the roster, be very careful with Carson Palmer. Don’t do something stupid like release him to save money, or trade him for pennies on the dollar in what currently is a terrible seller’s market for potentially washed-up 30+ year old quarterbacks. Palmer can still be very beneficial to the future of the team, just not in the position he’s currently in.
You are still going to want Carson Palmer as starting quarterback through 2011, as you obviously cannot just throw the rookie to the wolves. If Palmer follows on his current path, this will not result in a Super Bowl by the end of 2011, but will keep the team functioning at a high-enough level to keep all of the personalities in check and help the youth on the team to develop.
Then, in 2012, hand it over to a fresh signal caller with Carson Palmer as the backup. Over time, Palmer can become a hybrid player/tutor/coach. When he deems it time to hang up the spikes, remove the player/tutor aspects from his duties, and make him the quarterbacks coach. Under this plan, you can harness Palmer’s best attributes (leadership, game management, poise, grasp of offense) and let the new kid learn the ins and outs of the position with a secure safety net, something very infrequently afforded in the NFL.
Think of this as the future of Carson Palmer. Except less douchey. Take off the bluetooth, Jeremy Piven!
If Palmer manages to regain his 2005-06 form in 2011, so be it. Play the situation by ear a la Green Bay-Aaron Rodgers. The Packers don’t seem to be hurting too much. If he doesn’t, well, you are in a position to move forward to a brighter tomorrow, with the sage wounded general still around to spread his wisdom on the next generation.
Somewhere between Kimo Von Oelhoffen and 2009 something happened to Carson Palmer. Maybe it was mental. Maybe it was physical. Maybe it was both. But one thing is certain, the decline of Carson Palmer’s passing skills is evident. Whether through Dan LeFevour or a 2011 draft pick, you need to make a move, unless you want to be in this same position in 2015 or ‘16, typically around the time your front office reacts. It is a near impossibility to win a Super Bowl without a franchise quarterback, and Carson Palmer is not that caliber anymore. Wake up and smell the Ohio River, Cincinnati.
On second thought, hold your nose.
Kind of, but not too fun NFL facts
Some interesting things to chew on (sadly not beef jerky):
Matt Cassel is 30th in the NFL in completion % (54.7), Carson Palmer 24th (59.3).
Matthew Brennan Cassel, Kansas Chiefs: The only known starting NFL quarterback to have never started in the collegiate ranks. Might or might not have been the QB at Bayside High. Also really loves the Backstreet Boys.
Carson Palmer has professed his love for John Morrell's meat. Wigger and all-around turd sandwich Cool Ray gives props in his triple-platinum single off the classic "I'm a Trashy Midwestern White Rapper" LP.
David Garrard has more passing TDs (9), than Tony Romo, Matt Schaub, Matt Ryan, Jay Cutler, and Joe Flacco, and as many as Brett Favre and Donovan McNabb combined.
Did you know that David Garrard has Crohn's disease? Do you even know anything at all about Crohn's disease? I didn't think so. When not leading the NFL's most irrelevant team, Garrard also makes a mean Buffalo Chicken Dip. Who knew?
David Garrard’s Buffalo Chicken Dip
Yields: 6-8 servings
| 1 | 8-ounce package cream cheese |
| 2 | cups cooked chicken (a store-bought rotisserie chicken works best), shredded |
| 1/2 | cup buffalo wing sauce, recommended brand Texas Pete |
| 2 | tablespoons butter, melted |
| 1/2 | cup blue cheese dressing (eyeball it) |
| 1/4 to 1/2 | cup shredded mozzarella cheese (eyeball it) |
| Tortilla chips | |
| Carrot sticks | |
| Celery sticks |
Preheat oven to 300°F.
Cover the bottom of an 8×8” dish or pie plate with cream cheese.
In a large mixing bowl, combine the shredded chicken, wing sauce and butter, and pour over the cream cheese-filled dish or pie plate.
Top with just enough blue cheese dressing and mozzarella cheese to cover (adding too much cheese will cause a thick skin to form that will make eating the dip difficult once the cheese cools).
Heat the dip in the oven for 20 minutes.
Serve with Scoops (Tortillas or Fritos) alongside for dipping.
Favre has as many interceptions (7) as Peyton Manning, Tom Brady, Vince Young, and both Philadelphia quarterbacks (Michael Vick, Kevin Kolb) combined (7).
"Nah, man, I gotta wife. Besides, I only did something like that once when I space docked this broad back in Knoxville."
Space docking (v.) The act of a person defecating into the vagina of another female person.
Grow up, you whiny bitch!
Darren McFadden has more rushing yards (392) than Frank Gore, Ray Rice, Jamaal Charles, and Matt Forte.
Reggie Wayne (39) and Austin Collie (37) are first and second in receptions.
No, no, not Austin's Collie, you dingus! That is some Mormon dude's name. Go figure.
Frank Gore and Danny Amendola (33) trail only Wayne, Collie, and Roddy White in receptions.
Malcolm Floyd is averaging a gaudy 22.6 yards per reception on 22 catches.
NCAA: Top 25 Analysis
On Sunday, ESPN will debut the season’s first BCS rankings, which, according to BCS expert Brad Edwards, will look a little something like this. Boise State will be #1 by virtue of their reasonably difficult non-conference schedule, followed by Oregon, TCU, Oklahoma, and Ohio State. I have no quarrel with that, considering Ohio State has the 117th toughest schedule in the country, and Oregon’s offense is legitimately gangbusters. This got me thinking, if I had a vote, what would my poll look like. Without further ado, my completely narcissistic and irrelevant top 25:
- Oregon (6-0) – 54-16…the average score of an Oregon game this year, which includes two quasi-quality road wins (@Tennessee, @Arizona St), and a home demolition of #9 Stanford. My number one team until further notice
- Ohio State (6-0) – Terrelle Pryor: 15 TDs, 3 INTs. This weekend is an opportunity for Pryor to make a statement in a hostile environment and for the Fighting Sweater Vests to earn their keep among the nation’s elite.
- Boise State (5-0) – Since Sparty solved Shoelace’s Rubik’s cube, Kellen Moore has the inside track on the Heisman, until you remember that the nation will get to see SmurfTurf one more time this year, and that’s if they feel like staying up past midnight.
- TCU (6-0) – Write it down (or not), but TCU will be better positioned at the end of the year for a national championship birth than Boise…unless Utah takes them out.
- Nebraska (5-0) – Call me crazy, but I have a lurking suspicion that Nebraska is going to shut out Texas this weekend. Awesome defense vs. Mercurial offense + bitter Cornhuskers x Taylor Martinez = 23-0.
- Auburn (6-0) – This ranking may be a tad high, and the Tigers seem like the upstart SEC team that grabs the nation with a great start and then loses 3 of its last 4 for a Cotton Bowl bid. I hope I’m wrong.
- Oklahoma (5-0) – Unless Missouri is actually good (which they’re not), Oklahoma can realistically eat Thanksgiving dinner undefeated before finally being tested by Oklahoma State and then the Big 12 Title game, which will presumably be against Nebraska.
- Utah (5-0) – The ultimate BCS wild card, a team that for some reason never loses big games, who by season’s end may have wins over 4 ranked teams, which may be two more than Ohio State (4 is a bit of a stretch, but Notre Dame, Pittsburgh, Air Force, and TCU could all be ranked by season’s end, right?).
- Michigan State (6-0) – Little Giants. Dantonio’s heart attack. Tripping up Shoelace. This has been quite a season for the Spartans, and their fans, and they avoid Ohio State, which may prove both blessing and curse. They should handle Illinois before road games at Northwestern and Iowa, and by All Hallow’s Eve the cement should have set on the 2010 Michigan State football season.
- LSU (6-0) – Where to even begin on Les Miles…well, eventually the law of averages will catch up to him, right? After a grueling game against McNeese State, the Mad Hatter only has to travel to Jordan-Hare Stadium, and take on Cameron Newton and Auburn, then turn around, go home, and prepare for Alabama. Nothing exciting should happen.
- South Carolina
- Alabama
- Stanford
- Arkansas
- Wisconsin
- Iowa
- Arizona
- Nevada
- Oklahoma State
- Florida State
- Michigan
- Air Force
- Oregon State
- Missouri
- Miami (FL)
Hotdolocaust 2010
After weeks of anticipation leading up to tonight’s Larimore v. Perdue heavyweight hot dog eat-off, I seriously underestimated the difficulty of eating a gluttonous amount of franks. Luckily enough, I wasn’t the only one.
No, not this kind of Frank, dick.
We ended up making 48 hot dogs, kept the time at 12 minutes, and sat across from each other ready for battle. Ding, ding, ding, the battle commenced. I got through the first 2 hot dogs (with buns) relatively quickly and easily, but was dismayed to see Mr. Larimore chomping away on numero tres already.
That’s okay, though, I knew he would pull away in the beginning with his unbelievable speed. We traded the next few weiners, and at the halfway point Larimore was still ahead by almost a whole dog. It was at this time that the consumption of the buns and the flavor of the hot dogs became a serious issue, and the water I was dipping my meat and bread in for extra lubrication became absurdly gross to look at, challenging my gag reflex and flushing away my will to continue.
I would still rather drink that hot dog flavored water than be subjected to Limp Bizkit's terrible music. There are certain truths I hold to be evident, and the primary one is Fuck Fred Durst.
“3 minutes left” came the call from our timekeeper, the lovely Ms. Kelsey Katsanis. Larimore is up somewhere around a bun, and my senses are muddled. My gullet has long been stuffed, and mastication has become near impossible. Larimore is looking equally sloopid, well on his way to praying to the porcelain gods. It is at this moment that I resign myself to defeat, on the cusp of throwing in the proverbial towel and calling Larimore the better man.
Forbidden love
“1 and a half minutes”, and I’m still half a hot dog down. Larimore is looking whiter than Sammy Sosa, and its time to, as they say, “Man up”. Without regard to my intestinal well-being, I muscled through another 1.5 dogs, putting me up 9.5 to 8.5. It was at this moment Drew Larimore tapped the table, indicating concession.
Actually, Drew just puked when I showed him this.
“Thumbs down”, “Horrible”, and “My stomach felt like it was going to reach out and punch me” were Mr. Larimore’s comments regarding tonight’s competition. While it was nice to defeat the walking wonder that is William Andrew Larimore, I was more ashamed that we only downed a combined 18 hot dogs with buns. I have no idea how Joey Chestnut could down 64 of those bad boys in the same time frame I almost exploded from less than 10. That is a craft, folks. Plain and simple.
The Gastronomical Zeus, a God among mere mortals.
2 Men. 12 Minutes. 72 Hot Dogs.
Ali-Frazier. Balboa-Drago. Foreman-Competing Grill Salesmen. History is littered with great bouts of fortitude and will, where one man stands against another and they do battle. Tonight, October 14, 2010, you can add another to the great events in history: Larimore-Perdue I.
Passion, Dedication and Gluttony are three words that will define tonight’s Clash of the Gastronomical Titans. It has been 55 days since Drew Larimore downed two pints of ice cream in less than 2 minutes, tossing his contenders to the side with a voracious eating style and gargantuan tongue en route to the 2010 Mayfield Ice Cream Eating Championship.
My counterpart this evening, after his August 20, 2010 conquest. Note his trophy/hat, as well as his ironic cut-off UFC shirt. Also, his beautiful punch-drunk face.
As his trainer/manager, it is my duty to keep him sharp for future competitions. Thus, tonight, we shall compete in a hot dog eating bonanza a la the famous July 4th Nathan’s contest. Ideally, no Asians will be arrested, and nobody will have an “upheaval”. Neither can be guaranteed. The event will commence at 11:50 pm ET. Pictures are to follow.
Artist depiction of Drew Larimore after tonight.
NFL Week 6 Breakdown
Seattle (2-2) at Chicago (4-1):
Well, the Todd Collins era is over in Chicago after a blowout victory over the Panthers. Ol’ Diabeetus is back under Olin Kreutz’s ass, and they host Pete Carroll’s Seahawks, notably of “cannot win on the road” fame. Seriously, going back to the end of 2007, the Seattle Seahawks are 3-18 in their last 21 road games. Also, after last week’s 27 fantasy point bonanza, Matt Forte could be fittin’ a go ham after Cutler jumps on them early.
Prediction: Chicago 27, Seattle 13
Aforementioned ham Matt Forte might be fittin a go
Miami (2-2) at Green Bay (3-2)
So, you just couldn’t live up to Favre’s 289 and counting straight, couldya Aaron Rodgers? You’re just a pussy with a soft head. Concussed my ass. ‘Member that time Ol’ Favre’s daddy died and the next day he went out and threw 4 TD’s? DOYA, BOY? Well, all that aside, Matt Flynn, last seen in Baton Rouge as “The QB who succeeded the Sizzurp King at LSU”, gets to play in Rodgers’ concussed stead. Considering John Kuhn and Brandon Jackson are about as effective as Stephen Hawking in a Macarena-off, Matt Flynn’s going to have to do some passing. Hello, Vontae Davis!
Prediction: Miami 23, Green Bay 17
King of the super-duper hyphy hyphy hyphy
San Diego (2-3) at St Louis (2-3)
I’m really pulling for Sam Bradford to lead the Rams to 7-9 and win the NFC West, but this is a classic San Diego “Oh wait, we really are talented” blowout where Philip Rivers throws for 400+ yards. I’ll give the Rams a puncher’s chance because San Diego’s defense has gaping holes and, well, Norv Turner is their head coach.
Prediction: San Diego 34, St Louis 24
The Norv Turner Face, an exquisite portrayal of human ineptitude
Baltimore (4-1) at New England (3-1)
The New, Old lunch-pail Pats make their debut against arguably the most proven team in the NFL, in Foxborough. Hmmm….I don’t care how obscure their white offensive utility men get, they don’t have shit in the way of a defensive backfield. Boldin, Boldin, Boldin.
Prediction: Baltimore 31, New England 27
Bill Belichick, Hipster. "Yeah, we've got this new white playmaker, he went to this really obscure D-II school called Chadron State, you've probably never heard of it."
Detroit (1-4) at NY Giants (3-2)
Dear Jahvid Best, be healthy. Sincerely, Fantasy owners everywhere. So, is Hakeem Nicks the new Plaxico or is Houston’s pass defense that horrendous. Guess we’ll find out.
Prediction: Detroit 30, NY Giants 21
Atlanta (4-1) at Philadelphia (3-2)
So it looks like Week 3 MVP and animal rights activist Michael Vick will miss his old team when they come to town. Too bad, would have been nice to see him catch up with the 3 players still there from his regime. Anywho, Kevin Kolb gets another opportunity to show he’s more deserving of love than Santa Claus, and Roddy White gets to show whether he can Maurice Clarett anybody else.
Prediction: Atlanta 20, Philadelphia 17
New Orleans (3-2) at Tampa Bay (3-1)
I can almost see Tom Jackson creaming his pantsuit if Tampa were to win this one. Eww. However, as enthralled as I was watching Carson Palmer lead the Buccaneers to victory last weekend, he never was on the team, he just looked like it. This week, they get everyone’s favorite birthmark, Drew Brees. By the way, if you know any baby boy “B” names, Drew would love your suggestions. Alas, I don’t think he’s going with Boz.
Prediction: New Orleans 26, Tampa Bay 18
Brian Bosworth, and his mullet, are great American heroes. Bosworth Brees, that kid would be the tits.
Kansas City (3-1) at Houston (3-2)
The two darlings of the AFC’s first five weeks square off. We’ll have to see whether Arian “Really, you forgot the D” Foster can run well enough to prevent Matt “My eyes are currently dollar bills after seeing what Eli fucking Manning did to you guys last week” Cassel from winning this game. Sleeper pick for game of the week.
Prediction: Houston 31, Kansas City 29
Seriously, this fucking guy, Houston!
Cleveland (1-4) at Pittsburgh (3-1)
Poor, poor Colt McCoy. If he is standing at the end of the 3rd quarter, the Browns may have a chance. No, not for this game, of course. For the future. What are you, high?
Prediction: Pittsburgh 27, Cleveland 10
Roethlisberger returns. Hide yo kids, Hide yo wife, and especially hide yo college-aged daughters. Words of wisdom from Mr. Antoine Dodson.
NY Jets (4-1) at Denver (2-3)
Why is Kyle Orton the league’s most prolific passer right now? *shakes my head* Well, Denver is in for a rude awakening as long as Sanchez doesn’t go all Delhommey on the Jets. Bet the Jets, hard.
Prediction: NY Jets 24, Denver 16
Oakland (2-3) at San Francisco (0-5)
If San Francisco loses this game, Mike Singletary might turn into a new Zodiac killer, except not subtly and with more biting. I fear he may start breathing fire and slaughtering entire villages. Please, please, Alex Smith, don’t have that blood on your hands.
Prediction: San Francisco 30, Oakland 17
Tell me that guy wouldn't kill people. He may be a descendant of Godzilla. He even looks reptilian.
Dallas (1-3) at Minnesota (1-3)
Britt Farr say he gohn sit if his elber gits anee werse. Dem Cowboys need thissum. Randy Moss, whoooo!!!!
Prediction: Minnesota 28, Dallas 25
Indianapolis (3-2) at Washington (3-2)
Now that Donovan McNabb has avenged himself in Philly and Peyton Manning is pissed, we can be all but assured Washington’s in for a good ass-whoopin’!
Prediction: Indy 38, Washington 24
Tennessee (3-2) at Jacksonville (3-2)
How can Jacksonville win this game? Better question, how can Jacksonville get to host Monday Night Football? Irrelevant on both accounts, just know that never bet against a guy who is 5’7”.
Prediction: Jacksonville 24, Tennessee 23
Life after LeBron 