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NFL Top 10 Mock Draft v 1.0

1. Carolina- Nick Fairley DT Auburn:  Since Andrew Luck decided to return to Stanford, Carolina’s new regime faces an extremely difficult decision with what to do with the number one pick. Their realistic options at this point are QB Blaine Gabbart, WR AJ Green, DE D’Quan Bowers, DT Nick Fairley, or CB Patrick Peterson. Since they have needs all over the depth chart, they can take the player best able to build a team around. With Rivera presumably installing a defense-first mindset and Blaine Gabbart being ridiculously overrated, I don’t believe the Panthers will go in that direction. Peterson is arguably the most talented player, but do you know when the last DB to go #1 was? Never. AJ Green has been hyped as the best WR prospect since Randy Moss (save Calvin Johnson), but the success of high-pick receivers has been too inconsistent for a new regime to take a risk like that. That leaves Bowers and Fairley as viable options. The only problem with Bowers is inconsistency, a cardinal sin for a potential franchise-savior. After seeing how Ndamukong Suh energized Detroit’s defense this past season, and after seeing Fairley’s performance in the BCS Championship, Carolina will go with Fairley as its top pick. It’s not the sexiest of selections, but the Panthers have to start somewhere, and Nick Fairley is a good somewhere to start.

Or Ron Rivera could just forfeit this pick and sign free agent RB Tim Biakabutuka, who my sources tell me is not currently on an NFL roster.

2. Denver- Patrick Peterson CB LSU: Denver holds 3 of the top 47 picks and 4 of the top 67 come draft day, so the new Johns in charge (Elway & Fox) are going to have a good opportunity to get this franchise back on track. The Broncos obviously need a lot of help on both sides on the ball, and they do have a fair amount of cap space as well in case they want to make a big splash in free agency. Having the flexibility they have, they can afford to take the best player available, which I believe will be Patrick Peterson. With Champ Bailey approaching 33 and the rest of the secondary in flux, Peterson would stabilize the pass defense as well as possibly give Champ Bailey a reason to stick around. If they don’t go Peterson, their other options would be DE D’Quan Bowers, DT Marcell Dareus and OLB Von Miller.

While Patrick Peterson might be a shutdown corner, experts say the Virgin Mary is tougher than Butkus and faster than Lawrence Taylor. On the other hand, there's always the possibility of the rapture, and then the organization would be without their last two first round draft picks, as her and Tebow are "saved". Also, she showed up to the combine overweight *red flag*

3. Buffalo- Von Miller OLB Texas A&M: Chan Gailey and his staff got a first-hand view of some of these prospects, coaching the South squad in the Senior Bowl to a victory. This, along with OLB Von Miller’s meteoric rise up draft boards due to his performance in Mobile, have led a lot of pundits to prognosticate Miller to Buffalo. Even Miller has gotten in on the love-fest, remarking “It would be a true blessing to go play for the Bills, but whatever team picks me up, I’ll be happy to play for them.” While Buffalo could possibly select Marcell Dareus, Miller is just too salivating a 3-4 rush linebacker prospect for Buffalo to pass on, especially when considering Buffalo’s only Pro Bowler in 2010 was DT Kyle Williams. While the Bills have their issues on both lines, their linebacker corps are even less equipped, and the choice will be Von Miller.

Chan Gailey did once use a 1st round draft pick on a guy named Ebenezer...so if he goes that route again, they could potentially save some money before their inevitable move to Toronto or Los Angeles.

4. Cincinnati- D’Quan Bowers DE Clemson: The Bengals are, to say it nicely, in a state of disarray. Firing Bob Bratkowski was a step in the right direction, but Mike Brown still owns the team, and Marvin Lewis is still the coach. Apparently a 4-12 season when expected to contend is good enough in Cincinnati. Carson Palmer is demanding a trade or he threatens retirement, but I think it’s much more likely he sticks around and plays for the Bengals in 2011. Ochocinco-Johnson and Terrell Owens are almost assuredly gone, and Cedric Benson is a free agent. If Cincinnati doesn’t retain Benson, that is an egregious mistake. No matter how the Palmer situation shakes out, I just cannot see a QB being the pick here. It comes down to three players for this pick:  AJ Green, D’Quan Bowers, or Marcell Dareus. AJ Green would be the most fan-coveted of all the prospects, but at the end of the day, D’Quan Bowers is going to be the guy. He, alongside Domato Peko and Antwan Odom, would make Cincinnati’s D-line one to be reckoned with.

I mean, this guy is the owner. There had to be a mix-up at the hospital when he was born. I refuse to believe Mike Brown carries Paul Brown's genes in his shoddy, sunken body. His jeans, however...I'll accept.

5. Arizona- Prince Amukamara CB Nebraska: With Max Hall and John Skelton not seasoned enough to start 2011, Blaine Gabbart seems like a panacea for a team just a QB and 24 months removed from Super Bowl XLIII. There’s only one problem, and that’s the fact Blaine Gabbart hasn’t shown what it takes to be a franchise signal-caller in college. He has the measurables (6’5″ 235 lbs), but was less successful in a college-oriented offense than Brad Smith and Chase Daniel were. If you cannot throw more than 16 TDs in a gimmick offense, how do you expect to translate that into NFL success? I’m not saying he cannot be successful, just that Ken Whisenhunt will not be impressed enough to use a top 5 pick on him. A lot of people see Von Miller going here if Buffalo passes, but since he is gone in this mock, the pick is Amukamara, an extraordinary talent who will immediately upgrade Arizona’s pass defense.

Mock...yeah...ing...yeah...Amukamara....?....

6. Cleveland-AJ Green WR Georgia: With the anticipated switch to the 4-3 under new defensive coordinator Dick Jauron, DE Robert Quinn and DT Marcell Dareus are options, but when you look at Cleveland’s offensive weapons, it is imperative they upgrade that side of the ball. AJ Green, in my opinion, is either the best or second best player in this draft, and draws comparisons to Randy Moss and Calvin Johnson, among others. While I mentioned earlier that wide receivers are a risk this early in the draft, Tom Heckert and Mike Holmgren are savvy enough to know that Mohamed Massaquoi is not a number one receiver, and Colt McCoy needs somebody to throw to. If Green is gone, it will be either a defensive lineman or Julio Jones.

While the number one name in the world...not a number one receiver in the NFL. CFL maybe!

7. San Francisco– Robert Quinn DE UNC: Unless Jim Harbaugh loves Blaine Gabbart’s upside, it would behoove San Francisco to upgrade their defensive front. Dareus could be the pick, but with Aubrayo Franklin already anchoring the inside, I think Quinn’s combine performance will be enough to convince the Bay Area Brass that he’s worthy, even with missing all of 2010.

Unbeknownst to 49ers fans, these guys are now running the team after serenading the DeBartolo family with some hip tunes

8. Tennessee- Blaine Gabbart QB Missouri: This pick is pretty impossible to project given that the Titans are in the process of an entire organizational upheaval, but new regimes mean new quarterbacks. Unless Cam Newton blows away the new staff, Gabbart gets the pick, and will be given time to learn under vet Kerry Collins. Marcell Dareus, trading down, OT Nate Solder and DE Cameron Jordan are all possibilities with this pick as well.

If only the Titans could draft this guy again...

9. Dallas- Tyron Smith OT USC: While the Cowboys would love Prince Amukamara to fall to them, that more than likely just isn’t happening. A lot of people seem to think DE Cameron Jordan is the pick here, but Dallas biggest needs are CB, S, OL, RB, and Jordan would have to be very impressive at the combine to persuade Jerry Jones to use a top 10 pick on him. I think OT Nate Solder and CBs Jimmy Smith and Brandon Harris are all in play, as is (dark horse) Mark Ingram. In the end, I think the offensive line need wins out, and Jerry will be happy to have his pick of the crop. I think Smith’s athleticism and upside will make him the pick.
10. Washington- Cam Newton QB Auburn: After a tumultuous 2010, Dan Snyder and Mike Shanahan are poised to make perhaps the biggest splash of draft day and select Cam Newton at number ten. He is a project, but he will sell tickets and jerseys. Shanahan is bullheaded enough to believe he can make Newton into a superstar at the pro level, the question will be whether he will get enough immediate results from a rabid fan base to see the project through.

They can actually pay you now, son!

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How to properly assess the Browns’ victory over the Saints

These are tumultuous times. After you’ve been scorned so many times, the conditioning takes its toll and even the most hopeful turn callous. Such is life as a Cleveland sports fan.

This is Ivan Pavlov. This is Cleveland. We are the dumbass dogs that keep responding to his bell.

So when the Browns led 20-3 at halftime in ‘Nawlins this past Sunday, home of the defending Super Bowl Champion Saints, it was the usual hope for the best, expect the worst mindset. Then, the best happened. Cleveland 30, New Orleans 17.

No championships were won on Sunday, and the sobering reality of a 2-5 record is still pretty harsh, but for 60 full minutes the Browns led, and defeated, Drew Brees and the mighty defending champions. It may be that the Saints had double the yards and first downs of the Browns. It may be that the Browns offense was more or less anemic, converting only 2 out of 11 third down attempts. It may be that Colt McCoy threw for just 74 yards on 16 passes, but none were to the other team.

They played with heart and vigor, which is more than I can say for a significant amount of Browns teams in recent years. The thing is, it’s not that they played with that kind of passion and determination in one game against a quality opponent, it’s that they have been playing that way consistently. When the 2010 Cleveland Browns show up to play you on Sunday, you better be ready to play, or you will lose.

Rob Ryan, Browns Defensive Coordinator, makes the team 34% more gargoyle. Fact.

At 2-5 and with a rookie quarterback, contention for the postseason is at least a year away and the Browns will most likely finish no higher than third in the AFC North, but if they keep growing and playing tough, they have an opportunity to be a high-quality NFL team. If they continue to evolve, a 3rd or 4th place schedule in 2011 could result in a serious opportunity at a playoff spot.

There’s always next year, right?

...unless you're John Fox. Then you're screwed. It could be worse, Jimmy Clausen could be our QB of the future.

You’re Welcome, Cincinnati: How to Salvage the Bengals

A message to the Cincinnati Bengals:

Your record currently stands at 2-3, third in the AFC North, two full games out of first place. You looked hapless against the Patriots in week one, showed resiliency in a home victory over the Baltimore Ravens in week two, defeated the punch-less Carolina Panthers in week three, then squandered the next two games away in Cleveland and Tampa Bay, leaving the team mired in inconsistency heading into its bye week.

You just spent the last week resting and preparing for a battle you cannot win. Your remaining 11 games are brutal. You will need at least an 8-3 record to finish 10-6, a mark that might be good enough for a playoff spot in the rabid AFC. If you do not, the current incarnation of the Cincinnati Bengals will fail.

The Queen City fan-base will sour, and the cruel Ohio winter will set in, and the harsh reality of NFL scheduling will reign supreme as you head into an unstable 2011 and beyond. There is one reason, above all, why the franchise will continue to be stuck in mediocrity this year and the future, and it is the atrophy of Carson Palmer’s ability to consistently throw an NFL-quality pass. After eight long years of the Carson Palmer era, the time has come for your organization to find somebody else to throw the football and run the Cincinnati Bengals’ offense.

 

After you stick the fork in the cadaver of Carson Palmer's career, wash it off and use it in your cereal. For your health!

 

Evaluating Carson Palmer’s NFL Career

In April 2003, you had the first overall selection in the NFL draft, and selected Heisman Trophy-winning quarterback Carson Palmer out of USC. Palmer was a risk, as is any top-drafted quarterback, but a risk you were willing to make. Prospect Carson Palmer had “great mechanics, good feet, size, arm and accuracy”, but also that he was an “erratic, hot-and-cold player” according to ESPN. Scouts praised Palmer’s improvement and many believed he had put it all together his senior season at USC and was a fantastic NFL prospect.

 

A Pac-10 quarterback who's stock rose dramatically after his senior season. Akili Smith or Carson Palmer? Trick question. Time will tell whether Palmer ends up playing for the Calgary Stampeders.

 

You took a cautious approach with your prized franchise quarterback, sitting him behind veteran Jon Kitna as the 2003 campaign unfolded. The team significantly improved, from 2-14 to 8-8, and was gearing up for the future.

Palmer took the reins in 2004, starting opening day. His progress was right on schedule, and he started 13 games, throwing for almost 3000 yards, 18 touchdowns and 18 interceptions en route to another 8-8 season.

The 2005 season started very strong, with the offense elite and wins in their first four games. You went 3-3 over the next six games, before picking up steam and winning four out of the last five en route to an 11-5 record and the AFC North Championship. Carson Palmer started all 16 games, threw for 32 touchdowns and completed 67.8% of his passes, both career highs, while only throwing 12 interceptions.

On January 8, 2006, Paul Brown Stadium played host to your first playoff game in almost two decades, against the Pittsburgh Steelers. The city was electric, to say the least. On the second play from scrimmage, Carson Palmer loaded up and threw a 66 yard completion to Chris Henry, sending the home crown into hysteria. Then Kimo Von Oelhoffen happened. In one hit, Carson Palmer’s ACL and MCL tore, and the promising 2005 season effectively ended. The Steelers would go on to win the game, and eventually Super Bowl XL.

 

I've said it before, and I'll say it again, Go Fuck yourself Pittsburgh.

 

The rehabiliation of Carson Palmer’s knee was THE subject of the 2006 Cincinnati Bengals, but Palmer was able to return in time for the September 10, 2006 opening game. The team started quick, winning the first two games easily, leading up to a week three shot at redemption in Pittsburgh. Palmer led the team to a 28-20 victory in Heinz Field, a sign that he was back and better than ever. The offense would remain explosive throughout most of the season as the team ascended to 8-5 with three weeks remaining. Then a series of miscues, especially on special teams, derailed the season, costing you the final three games of the season as you finished 8-8 for the third time in 4 years. Palmer finished with over four thousand yards passing for the first time in his career, as well as 28 touchdowns and completed 62.3% of passes while only throwing 13 interceptions.

 

Too bad water training didn't teach Palmer how to long-snap or kick field goals.

 

2007 came, and the team lost some of its luster, starting a lowly 3-7, perhaps distracted by a bevy of off-the-field issues affecting the entire organization. Palmer was still a high-quality quarterback, and led the Bengals to victories in four of your last six games to finish 7-9. He threw 26 touchdowns, but his interceptions reached a career-high 20 for the season. He completed 64.9% of his throws and accrued his second-straight four thousand yard year, but couldn’t get the Bengals over the hump and back into the playoffs.

 

This pretty much sums up the 2007 Bengals

 

The 2008 season never got off the starting blocks, as the Bengals only managed one offensive touchdown in their first two games, both losses. You would then rally in week three, but ultimately fall, losing to the New York Giants in overtime 26-23. Carson Palmer missed the next game nursing a sore elbow, and your offensive woes would continue, losing 20-12 to the Cleveland Browns. Carson Palmer would return for the next game in Dallas, only to be sent packing with their fifth straight loss. Palmer was shut down the rest of the season as you limped to 0-8 and 1-11-1 starts, before finishing the year 4-11-1.

 

Everybody dey in 2008. Who ties in the NFL, Cincinnati, seriously?

 

In 2009, you became identified as a run-first, hard-nosed team built to win in the brutal AFC North. And win you did, sweeping the six divisional games and winning the division crown for the second time in almost twenty years. But along the way, something happened to Carson Palmer. He still ran the offense well, managing the game admirably and making just enough plays to remain effective. But the new, atrophied Carson Palmer couldn’t do virtually anything in the wild card playoff game against the New York Jets, and your season ended without a playoff victory once again. He didn’t finish with terrible numbers for the 2009 season, with 21 touchdowns, 13 interceptions and a 60.5 completion rate. He did, however, turn sour in the playoff game, completing only 18 out of 36 passes for 146 yards, one touchdown and one interception.

 

While the New Orleans Saints have Super Bowl rings, the NFL found it only fair to commemorate the shit Carson Palmer took on the field against the Jets in the playoffs with this gold earring.

 

In the offseason you added future hall-of-famer and reality star Terrell Owens to play wide receiver opposite Chad Ochocinco, creating a self-proclaimed “Batman & Robin” duo, as well as using a first round pick on tight end Jermaine Gresham and third round selection on wide receiver Jordan Shipley to bolster the passing game and give Carson Palmer an opportunity to return to his 2005-06 all-pro form. For naught. In five games this year, Palmer’s completion percentage has dipped below 60% for the first time in his career, and he is no longer the effective on-field general he once was, tossing a game-clinching interception against Cleveland and then turning around and handing the Buccaneers two fourth-quarter interceptions, and ultimately, the game. Unfortunately, Cincinnati, Carson Palmer can no longer perform the duties necessary to lead an NFL team deep into the playoffs, and therefore measures must be taken to find a suitable replacement.

 

At least these guys can catch balls thrown at them.

 

Finding a replacement

So, now you’re wondering, where should I turn to find a suitable signal-caller? Well, let’s check the current roster. Carson Palmer’s backup is his own flesh-and-blood, little brother Jordan Palmer. In three NFL seasons, Jordan Palmer has appeared in three games, with 12 attempts, 7 completions, and 2 interceptions. While it may seem prudent to give him a starting opportunity, he has shown little to nothing that would suggest he has superior ability to his brother, trading a spade for an inferior spade.

Dan LeFevour, a 2010 6th round draft pick, may actually have a chance at NFL success. In four years at Central Michigan, LeFevour amassed more total touchdowns than any player in NCAA history. At 6’3”, 230, LeFevour has NFL size, and great accuracy, completing two-thirds of his collegiate passes. He is also a terrific dual-threat, having gained over 2500 rushing yards in college. His arm strength is somewhat questionable, as well as his ability to perform under center, having worked primarily out of the shotgun in college. If he improves, he may have what it takes to lead an NFL franchise.

Atlanta, Miami, Pittsburgh x2, Indianapolis, New Orleans, NY Jets, Cleveland, San Diego, Baltimore. Read it again. You will be lucky to win five of those games, which would give you a 7-9 record in 2010, pretty optimistic given what you have put on the field so far in 2010. Over the last four seasons a 7-9 record has earned an average draft position of 11.8. So, given the difficulty of your schedule (a draft position tie-breaker), let’s hypothetically say you have the 11th pick in next April’s draft.

As of right now, Buffalo, Cleveland, Jacksonville, Oakland, Minnesota, San Francisco, Seattle, and Arizona may be looking for franchise quarterbacks come next season.

Buffalo will very likely be picking in the top 5, and will grab the best quarterback available.

I believe in Mike Holmgren, and therefore Colt McCoy, so it seems highly unlikely the Browns take a quarterback in the first round, especially when so many holes remain elsewhere in Cleveland.

Jacksonville will have their eyes set on the future at the quarterback position, and may take the franchise’s second first round signal caller.

New England owns Oakland’s first round draft pick via the Richard Seymour trade, and therefore will be out of the quarterback market.

 

More evidence that Al Davis has been dead since 2004

 

Minnesota may be looking to replace Brett Favre, but are built to win now, and they will probably look for a new quarterback in places other than the first round of the draft.

If Mike Singletary survives as head coach in San Francisco, it would behoove them to stand behind Alex Smith, who looks like a legitimate NFL quarterback and has the confidence of the coaching staff despite the team’s struggles this season.

Seattle traded a first day draft pick for Charlie Whitehurst, whom the Pete Carroll regime has faith in to develop for the future, and therefore will not use such a high draft pick on a field general.

Arizona is currently testing Max Hall’s strength, and if he is passable, they should win the dreadful NFC West and earn a draft selection after you.

In summary, you really only have to worry about Buffalo, Jacksonville, and potentially Minnesota taking quarterbacks before you, and given all three of those franchises’ draft inconsistency and unpredictability, one is bound to look elsewhere, even if they pick ahead of you.

It just so happens that there are three top quarterback prospects potentially available: Andrew Luck, Stanford; Jake Locker, Washington; Ryan Mallett, Arkansas. They are the highest ranked group of quarterback prospects since 2004, when Eli Manning, Philip Rivers, and Ben Roethlisberger all were selected in the first 11 picks. Six years later, they have three Super Bowl rings and a combined starting record of 163-87.

 

Also, 2 sexual misconduct allegations and 1 motorcycle crash while not wearing a helmet.

 

There is no guarantee that all three will be as successful as the 2004 class, but you will have the assets and position to get a potential franchise quarterback if you do not believe in Dan LeFevour’s potential. If you do take a quarterback next April, what will you do with him? Don’t worry, I have a plan.
The Plan

When the quarterback of the future is on the roster, be very careful with Carson Palmer. Don’t do something stupid like release him to save money, or trade him for pennies on the dollar in what currently is a terrible seller’s market for potentially washed-up 30+ year old quarterbacks. Palmer can still be very beneficial to the future of the team, just not in the position he’s currently in.

You are still going to want Carson Palmer as starting quarterback through 2011, as you obviously cannot just throw the rookie to the wolves. If Palmer follows on his current path, this will not result in a Super Bowl by the end of 2011, but will keep the team functioning at a high-enough level to keep all of the personalities in check and help the youth on the team to develop.

Then, in 2012, hand it over to a fresh signal caller with Carson Palmer as the backup. Over time, Palmer can become a hybrid player/tutor/coach. When he deems it time to hang up the spikes, remove the player/tutor aspects from his duties, and make him the quarterbacks coach. Under this plan, you can harness Palmer’s best attributes (leadership, game management, poise, grasp of offense) and let the new kid learn the ins and outs of the position with a secure safety net, something very infrequently afforded in the NFL.

 

Think of this as the future of Carson Palmer. Except less douchey. Take off the bluetooth, Jeremy Piven!

 

If Palmer manages to regain his 2005-06 form in 2011, so be it. Play the situation by ear a la Green Bay-Aaron Rodgers. The Packers don’t seem to be hurting too much. If he doesn’t, well, you are in a position to move forward to a brighter tomorrow, with the sage wounded general still around to spread his wisdom on the next generation.

Somewhere between Kimo Von Oelhoffen and 2009 something happened to Carson Palmer. Maybe it was mental. Maybe it was physical. Maybe it was both. But one thing is certain, the decline of Carson Palmer’s passing skills is evident. Whether through Dan LeFevour or a 2011 draft pick, you need to make a move, unless you want to be in this same position in 2015 or ‘16, typically around the time your front office reacts. It is a near impossibility to win a Super Bowl without a franchise quarterback, and Carson Palmer is not that caliber anymore. Wake up and smell the Ohio River, Cincinnati.

 

On second thought, hold your nose.

 

Categories: Cincinnati, NFL

Kind of, but not too fun NFL facts

Some interesting things to chew on (sadly not beef jerky):

Matt Cassel is 30th in the NFL in completion % (54.7), Carson Palmer 24th (59.3).

 

Matthew Brennan Cassel, Kansas Chiefs: The only known starting NFL quarterback to have never started in the collegiate ranks. Might or might not have been the QB at Bayside High. Also really loves the Backstreet Boys.

 

 

Carson Palmer has professed his love for John Morrell's meat. Wigger and all-around turd sandwich Cool Ray gives props in his triple-platinum single off the classic "I'm a Trashy Midwestern White Rapper" LP.

 


David Garrard has more passing TDs (9), than Tony Romo, Matt Schaub, Matt Ryan, Jay Cutler, and Joe Flacco, and as many as Brett Favre and Donovan McNabb combined.

 

Did you know that David Garrard has Crohn's disease? Do you even know anything at all about Crohn's disease? I didn't think so. When not leading the NFL's most irrelevant team, Garrard also makes a mean Buffalo Chicken Dip. Who knew?

 

David Garrard’s Buffalo Chicken Dip

Yields: 6-8 servings

1 8-ounce package cream cheese
2 cups cooked chicken (a store-bought rotisserie chicken works best), shredded
1/2 cup buffalo wing sauce, recommended brand Texas Pete
2 tablespoons butter, melted
1/2 cup blue cheese dressing (eyeball it)
1/4 to 1/2 cup shredded mozzarella cheese (eyeball it)
Tortilla chips
Carrot sticks
Celery sticks

Preheat oven to 300°F.

Cover the bottom of an 8×8” dish or pie plate with cream cheese.

In a large mixing bowl, combine the shredded chicken, wing sauce and butter, and pour over the cream cheese-filled dish or pie plate.

Top with just enough blue cheese dressing and mozzarella cheese to cover (adding too much cheese will cause a thick skin to form that will make eating the dip difficult once the cheese cools).

Heat the dip in the oven for 20 minutes.

Serve with Scoops (Tortillas or Fritos) alongside for dipping.



Favre has as many interceptions (7) as Peyton Manning, Tom Brady, Vince Young, and both Philadelphia quarterbacks (Michael Vick, Kevin Kolb) combined (7).

 

"Nah, man, I gotta wife. Besides, I only did something like that once when I space docked this broad back in Knoxville."

 

Space docking (v.) The act of a person defecating into the vagina of another female person.

Grow up, you whiny bitch!

Darren McFadden has more rushing yards (392) than Frank Gore, Ray Rice, Jamaal Charles, and Matt Forte.

Reggie Wayne (39) and Austin Collie (37) are first and second in receptions.

 

No, no, not Austin's Collie, you dingus! That is some Mormon dude's name. Go figure.

 

Frank Gore and Danny Amendola (33)  trail only Wayne, Collie, and Roddy White in receptions.
Malcolm Floyd is averaging a gaudy 22.6 yards per reception on 22 catches.

NFL Week 6 Breakdown

Seattle (2-2) at Chicago (4-1):

Well, the Todd Collins era is over in Chicago after a blowout victory over the Panthers. Ol’ Diabeetus is back under Olin Kreutz’s ass, and they host Pete Carroll’s Seahawks, notably of “cannot win on the road” fame. Seriously, going back to the end of 2007, the Seattle Seahawks are 3-18 in their last 21 road games. Also, after last week’s 27 fantasy point bonanza, Matt Forte could be fittin’ a go ham after Cutler jumps on them early.
Prediction: Chicago 27, Seattle 13

 

Aforementioned ham Matt Forte might be fittin a go

 

Miami (2-2) at Green Bay (3-2)
So, you just couldn’t live up to Favre’s 289 and counting straight, couldya Aaron Rodgers? You’re just a pussy with a soft head. Concussed my ass. ‘Member that time Ol’ Favre’s daddy died and the next day he went out and threw 4 TD’s? DOYA, BOY? Well, all that aside, Matt Flynn, last seen in Baton Rouge as “The QB who succeeded the Sizzurp King at LSU”, gets to play in Rodgers’ concussed stead. Considering John Kuhn and Brandon Jackson are about as effective as Stephen Hawking in a Macarena-off, Matt Flynn’s going to have to do some passing. Hello, Vontae Davis!

Prediction: Miami 23, Green Bay 17

 

King of the super-duper hyphy hyphy hyphy

 

San Diego (2-3) at St Louis (2-3)
I’m really pulling for Sam Bradford to lead the Rams to 7-9 and win the NFC West, but this is a classic San Diego “Oh wait, we really are talented” blowout where Philip Rivers throws for 400+ yards. I’ll give the Rams a puncher’s chance because San Diego’s defense has gaping holes and, well, Norv Turner is their head coach.

Prediction: San Diego 34, St Louis 24

 

The Norv Turner Face, an exquisite portrayal of human ineptitude

 

Baltimore (4-1) at New England (3-1)
The New, Old lunch-pail Pats make their debut against arguably the most proven team in the NFL, in Foxborough. Hmmm….I don’t care how obscure their white offensive utility men get, they don’t have shit in the way of a defensive backfield. Boldin, Boldin, Boldin.

Prediction: Baltimore 31, New England 27

 

Bill Belichick, Hipster. "Yeah, we've got this new white playmaker, he went to this really obscure D-II school called Chadron State, you've probably never heard of it."

 

Detroit (1-4) at NY Giants (3-2)
Dear Jahvid Best, be healthy. Sincerely, Fantasy owners everywhere. So, is Hakeem Nicks the new Plaxico or is Houston’s pass defense that horrendous. Guess we’ll find out.

Prediction: Detroit 30, NY Giants 21

Atlanta (4-1) at Philadelphia (3-2)
So it looks like Week 3 MVP and animal rights activist Michael Vick will miss his old team when they come to town. Too bad, would have been nice to see him catch up with the 3 players still there from his regime. Anywho, Kevin Kolb gets another opportunity to show he’s more deserving of love than Santa Claus, and Roddy White gets to show whether he can Maurice Clarett anybody else.

Prediction: Atlanta 20, Philadelphia 17

New Orleans (3-2) at Tampa Bay (3-1)
I can almost see Tom Jackson creaming his pantsuit if Tampa were to win this one. Eww. However, as enthralled as I was watching Carson Palmer lead the Buccaneers to victory last weekend, he never was on the team, he just looked like it. This week, they get everyone’s favorite birthmark, Drew Brees. By the way, if you know any baby boy “B” names, Drew would love your suggestions. Alas, I don’t think he’s going with Boz.

Prediction: New Orleans 26, Tampa Bay 18

 

Brian Bosworth, and his mullet, are great American heroes. Bosworth Brees, that kid would be the tits.

 

Kansas City (3-1) at Houston (3-2)
The two darlings of the AFC’s first five weeks square off. We’ll have to see whether Arian “Really, you forgot the D” Foster can run well enough to prevent Matt “My eyes are currently dollar bills after seeing what Eli fucking Manning did to you guys last week” Cassel from winning this game. Sleeper pick for game of the week.

Prediction: Houston 31, Kansas City 29

 

Seriously, this fucking guy, Houston!

 

Cleveland (1-4) at Pittsburgh (3-1)
Poor, poor Colt McCoy. If he is standing at the end of the 3rd quarter, the Browns may have a chance. No, not for this game, of course. For the future. What are you, high?

Prediction: Pittsburgh 27, Cleveland 10

 

Roethlisberger returns. Hide yo kids, Hide yo wife, and especially hide yo college-aged daughters. Words of wisdom from Mr. Antoine Dodson.

 

NY Jets (4-1) at Denver (2-3)
Why is Kyle Orton the league’s most prolific passer right now? *shakes my head* Well, Denver is in for a rude awakening as long as Sanchez doesn’t go all Delhommey on the Jets. Bet the Jets, hard.

Prediction: NY Jets 24, Denver 16

Oakland (2-3) at San Francisco (0-5)
If San Francisco loses this game, Mike Singletary might turn into a new Zodiac killer, except not subtly and with more biting. I fear he may start breathing fire and slaughtering entire villages. Please, please, Alex Smith, don’t have that blood on your hands.

Prediction: San Francisco 30, Oakland 17

 

Tell me that guy wouldn't kill people. He may be a descendant of Godzilla. He even looks reptilian.

 

Dallas (1-3) at Minnesota (1-3)
Britt Farr say he gohn sit if his elber gits anee werse. Dem Cowboys need thissum. Randy Moss, whoooo!!!!

Prediction: Minnesota 28, Dallas 25

Indianapolis (3-2) at Washington (3-2)
Now that Donovan McNabb has avenged himself in Philly and Peyton Manning is pissed, we can be all but assured Washington’s in for a good ass-whoopin’!

Prediction: Indy 38, Washington 24

Tennessee (3-2) at Jacksonville (3-2)
How can Jacksonville win this game? Better question, how can Jacksonville get to host Monday Night Football? Irrelevant on both accounts, just know that never bet against a guy who is 5’7”.

Prediction: Jacksonville 24, Tennessee 23